● Global Warming (verb) An act whereby the successful are punished for being successful.
ex: When the white boy won the race by 1.7 seconds faster than his culturally diverse opponent, the gym teacher global warmed him an extra two seconds to keep things fair.
● Racist (noun) The victim of a political witch hunt.
ex: If you disagree with the President, you are a racist.
● Movie (noun) One of a handful stories told by the Greeks and then transferred to film, repeatedly.
ex: I think I have seen this movie before, but I can't tell because of all the cool special effects.
● Freemason (noun) A society, known for its bizarre rituals, that is indirectly responsible for every ill known to mankind.
ex: When you became a Freemason, did you unstabilize the global economy before or after you were raped by several old men wearing black robes and drinking blood out of a skull?
● Children (noun) A machine that takes approximately 18 years to build but can be used for free or cheap labor after their fifth birthday.
ex: Take those children over to the packing plant, we need some orders filled before midnight.
● Wiki (noun) A public opinion poll where voters are asked to cast their votes in the form of long winded text under the guise of being informative.
ex: Judging by this wiki page on Chris chan, he must be a very bright and well turned out fellow.
● Sasquatch (noun) A person who has the slightest amount of hair below the neckline.
ex: Did you see that Sasquatch at the pool today? I think I could see five o'clock shadow in her armpits.
● Cigarette (noun) A small pleasure giving device that is also a ticket for the cancer lottery.
ex: He had fifty cigarettes a day for his whole life and died at 90 of liver failure.
(verb) The act of angering, by toxic fumes, every other person in the bar.
ex: Buffy, I swear to God, if he cigarettes up on the dance floor, I am totally not giving him a blow job.
● Abuse (verb) The act, often physical but sometimes mental, of getting your way every time.
ex: Since he got bad grades, mother abused Billy until his grades improved.
● Fellate (verb) An act, always physical, whereby a female gets her way every time.
ex: Since he got bad grades, mother fellated Billy's teachers until his grades improved.
● The Internet (noun) A massive collection of convicted pedophiles and sex offenders who, inexplicably, are still virgins.
ex: The Internet always makes me laugh as it is such a paradox.
● Pretzel (noun) A weapon of mass destruction.
ex: Be careful with those pretzels, Eugene. Somebody could get hurt.
● Fettucini Alfredo (noun) An expensive form of (or synonym of) macaroni and cheese.
ex: Go warm this Fettucini Alfredo up in the microwave, Becky, the sauce is runny and cold.
● Healthcare (noun) A free system used to create extremely long waiting lines.
ex: If it weren't for this Healthcare, we would have to pay to be late to the party at uncle Bob's ranch!
● Cashier (noun) A person whose job it is to stand around wishing they were someplace else while also annoying you beyond all reasonable levels of sanity.
ex: This cashier won't refund my purchase because she is too busy texting her bff on her cellphone.
● Waiter (noun) A person whose job is to hover over you as you eat. Often they ask you questions just as you have put food into your mouth.
ex: The waiter filled my water glass, took my order, and then disappeared for six hours.
● Teller (noun) An employee whose only job is to inform you that your account is overdrawn.
ex: Since my debit card won't work, I should probably consult a teller.
● Liberal (noun) A person who believes that a fairy with a magic wand can cure the world's ills out of thin air.
ex: Hey, look at that liberal over there, isn't he planting gumdrop trees next to that rainbow pond where the Butterfly Nymphs water their winged unicorns?
● Conservative (noun) A jackbooted and grim enemy of all light, life, and love. Often seen carrying a sword that doubles as a crucifix.
ex: When that conservative guy, Jenkins, enters the room, I swear the temperature drops 30 degrees and the lights dim just a little.
● Music (noun) The intellectual property of someone else which you have on your hard drive.
ex: Teddy always has the best music to listen too, I wonder where he gets it?
● Beer (noun) A tool, used alone or in conjunction with other mood altering chemicals, by which young men remove the clothes of young women.
ex: Sandy, I had so much beer last night, I cannot remember what happened!
● Pistol (noun) An implement used to cause assisted suicide.
ex: Brady pointed his pistol at Robert, the highway patrol officer.
● Gullible (noun) A word that is repeatedly removed and then replaced in most dictionaries.
ex: Did you know they took gullible out of the dictionary? What? They put it back in? I had better go check.
● Couch (noun) Where a man sleeps after he has had a mid-life crisis.
ex: After Wanda slammed the bedroom door in his face, Reginald prepared the couch by covering it with a sheet. It was going to be a long, cold, and lonely night.
● Basement (noun) The place where everybody on the internet lives.
ex: Stanley, do you even have any windows in this basement? Oh, I see, you have them covered up with anime posters.
● Emissions (noun) A rough analog of Satan in the new government imposed global religion.
ex: I have sacrificed a goat in order to keep emissions low.
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