Odd Conversations
Rubber cement. I have played with it, rolled fake boogers with it, made a rubber ball out of it, tossed it at the ceiling with it…yet I have never made anything constructive out of it.
In my career, I have had to go to several seminars for work related issues. The best one, though the most boring, was the seminar we had to take on how to deal with the government officials if there was a natural disaster. It took three hours to tell us to “cooperate with everything they tell you to do.”
Light, heavy, medium starch on dry cleaned clothes is a myth. There is only one setting: “starch” or “no starch.”
In every public business you have shopped or browsed in, somebody has had sex on the sales floor, on the displays, in the bathroom, or in the back room.
When I was in upper management at the grocery store, I was in charge of human resources as well. This meant that I hired and fired people and I also did the applicant interviews. On the application, it says to supply three references and some valid picture ID. One enterprising applicant brought in three friends and they all told me (proudly) that the applicant was indeed who he said he was.
Always wash your produce.
Telemarketers have to be told “no” three times before they will give up. Simply saying “no” to them will not suffice…you actually have to say “no” three times.
I was eating dinner with the kids and laughed at something that one of them just said. I laughed so hard, I choked on some of the rice I was chewing. Later, while getting ready to type this, I blew my nose into a Kleenex and a piece of rice pilaf came out.
That slick stuff on the apples and the cucumbers is there to make them look more appealing. It is bee’s wax.
Mozart got rid of all his chickens. They kept scratching around the yard saying “Bach Bach Bach…”
I have never seen anybody have a cold and a flu at the same time. Nevertheless, most medicines in that section are for symptoms caused by Cold & Flu…
Overheard at a plant store: “If you plan on shooting your wife, make sure to use silver bullets…” This was followed by a chorus of groans.
Pundits? Most of them want you to think they were born in a Blog-cabin.
Overheard at a baseball game: “Anything hit that far should have a stewardess on it.”
Sex is like pizza, if it is good, it is great. If it is bad, you get something all over the front of your shirt.
Flatulence in an embarrassing situation is like a fumble in a football game. It is damaging to your offense and it changes the momentum of your game.
Overheard while waiting in line at a store: “Liberambushed by Liberambos.” “Wrong, they were just Liberamatures.”
Buy one get one free “special packs” of cigarettes cost more than buying a single pack. What the hell?
Why do they put fuzzy bears and cute babies on toilet paper packages? Neither of them use toilets and I am pretty sure nobody uses them to wipe…
Tycho Brahe lost his nose in a duel. Later, he had a nose made out of gold and he used glue to hold it in place.
These type of people sit around all day and argue the merits of the 99-cent store over the merits of the dollar store. I’m talking hyperdrool mode here guys.
Physicists say that time cannot be felt as an object can be felt. I know a few old people who would like to talk with physicists.
I don’t think I have ever seen a movie based in San Francisco that doesn’t include at least one scene where that curvy road (Lombard Street) is featured.
Overheard while walking in downtown Columbus: “She cut me off with a ‘pre-buttal,’ after that, there was no arguing about where we were headed for dinner.
Three of the four companies that I have worked for have used pirated copies of software for work related duties.
When you ask for extra cheese on a pizza, they don’t really do anything.
No matter what a computer tech tells you, they do look at your files when you hand your computer over for repairs.
I have thrown away enough out of date bread during my grocery career to feed a large African nation. Regulations!
What the hell is up with traffic lights? I drive a lot in the early hours of the morning and I constantly have to slam on the breaks because of a light doing a “quick change” on me. There will be nobody around for literally a hundred miles and the light decides to stop right when I get close enough to risk running a yellow? Gimme a break…
The printing company I used to work for would go under if the employees were forced to take drug tests. I am not talking marijuana here; these people were on all sorts of stuff…like horse tranquillizers.
As a Christmas bonus, one year I received a box of Buckeyes. Yes, the peanut butter dipped in chocolate candies type of confection. This was after increasing sales in my store by 45% and cutting off 20% of controllable expenditures. The store ended up making $700,000 that year…and I got a three-dollar box of chocolates.
Hint: when you call in sick, your boss knows you are lying.
If you live in an area adjacent to a grocery store, you are probably familiar with the sight of abandon carts in your neighborhood. The store actually pays somebody to go out and collect those.
When the company you work for starts having meetings about meetings…it is time to move on.
Pizza rolls are for people too lazy to heat up Hot Pockets.
I cannot tell which is more disturbing: clowns or televangelists.
Advice from a computer tech at a repair store:
·Be nice to the techs, and we'll charge you less to fix your computer
·We return any office supply item (non-technology) at any time. Take a 30-dollar planner or some off the shelf and get in line. Then say you have a return, but lost the receipt.
·Research a local church or something and get their phone number. When you pay, say you are tax exempt but don’t have your card. Ask to look you up by phone number. Tax-free purchase.
·Find your own dam ink cartridges.
·If you want to buy a laptop from us but don’t want the protection plan, say you want it anyway to save a bunch of bullshit and possible selective selling on the part of the sales man. It’ll speed up the process regardless and when you go pay for everything (laptop/computer is out in open and you know they have it) say you don’t want the plan after all.
·If you bought a printer from (name withheld) and it died in about a year or so, bring it back to (name withheld) and say you’d like to pay for the protection plan. We'll most likely do the exchange.
